Twelve Days of Christmas UPDATE

Sorry folks, but in light of the current climate, I've had to send
this out....

The 12 Days of Christmas are being re-examined in light of competition

Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more
competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy
measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"
subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to
be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant,
providing savings in maintenance costs.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not
be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand
the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study
proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as
it eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits because
the hens do not meet federal residency requirements.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long
they talked. Once this information is determined, the Accounting
Department will deduct the costs of any inappropriate non-business
calls from their final paycheck.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have
negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification
into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high
technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity.
Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection
procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that
from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are
on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
strokes to better enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is
being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do
the steps. Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age
discrimination. Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to
their voluntary retirement, rest assured our Law Department will
ensure an ironclad defense against an employee lawsuit.

Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen
left unemployed by the election.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the
bottom line.

Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can
drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved and we can
expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.

ITS A LONG ONE SO WILL READ IT LATER WHEN IM BACK FROM SHOPPING

so funny, and how clever....i loved the meaness.